I had experiences of awakening amidst childhood trauma that I experienced as a huge burden. I had a recurring dream around the ages of 6 and 7 as follows: I was walking down the street in front of my house. I hear this whirring sound above me, and I look up to see a huge balloon (My dad had a record which included the radio version of the explosion of the Hindenburg). It explodes and in one instant me, and the entire Earth is reduced to dust. I am floating around in a state of nothingness and all there are are other souls floating in the same state. I wake up from having this dream multiple times terrified.
But between the ages of 4 and 8, I also experienced bliss. One time coming home from my friend’s house around the block, I stopped on the dirt path heading home to see the sheets that my mother had hung from the window. (My mom was an Italian immigrant and that was common practice in her village). I see the sheets billowing in the May sunshine and breeze and I feel waves, like sound waves, projecting out from me to everything. For a moment, I feel connected to all things and feel utter bliss and contentment. It lasts moments, but I can still feel and picture my smile.
I used to hide in my backyard from my father, who was abusing me at the time. I would stay out there until he found me and would take me back inside to do his thing. Sometimes I would be in the bushes for what seemed like hours, hiding in our hedges, watching bugs, ants and bees. Smelling the blooms if they were present and overall getting into a meditative state where I felt no worry or concern. I think it was because I knew that my dad would find me eventually and I hated feeling the anxiety and fear associated with the abuse. I learned to get myself into a state of acceptance without fear.
Another time after a particularly painful episode, I was about 8 in my room. It was spring and I watched the sunlight come through my window and became mesmerized by the dust particles in the light. I had this sudden feeling of being embraced by love and the knowledge that I was going to be alright, that things were going to turn out okay for me. I just knew this, and it helped me tremendously get through those years of abuse until between 11 and 12 years old. My mother was schizophrenic, and the abuse would intensify when she was hospitalized which was often and at times for months at a time. I felt such burden by it all, but these experiences helped me to always have a belief and a very personal connection with God. I felt that he understood what I was going through and somehow it would all make sense some day. (and now it does).
I have had many experiences as an adult, also, and am now a therapist and a student of The Work, by Byron Katie, which has really helped me get beyond a lot of the day to day worry that I used to experience. BTW, I tought myself to meditate in my early 30’s when I was totally broke, living with a woman doing odd jobs for her until I got a job. I had left a career in engineering and my world totally fell apart. I would sit in front of my bedroom window every morning and just breath, pray and quiet my mind for an hour each day. Early on, I had the experience of leaving myself and traveling back to that moment in my room at 8 and sending my young self all of the love and reassurance that I could muster. It was me sending myself love across time. That was a mind blower.
There’s more but I will stop there. Love your book, Extraordinary Experiences, and love that you call them/us “shifters”. I believe that is what is happening, too. I am learning to enjoy the ride:) No control.
